


just let me hate the fact (that you mean more to me than I to you)

by youresomoneybaby



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Light, Ex Girlfriends, F/F, Idk what to tag??, POV First Person, mainly just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25252843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youresomoneybaby/pseuds/youresomoneybaby
Summary: "Josie moving on was inevitable, I knew that. But it didn’t lessen the pain any more when I had to witness it with my own eyes. Witness the fact that she finally had the courage to be selfish and go after what she wanted. It just wasn’t me.I wished it was."ORThe progression of Penelope and Josie's relationship told through Penelope's point of view. A little mix of season 1 & 2 of Legacies.Inspired by the song Heartease by TOTEM.
Relationships: Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	just let me hate the fact (that you mean more to me than I to you)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this came from the song Heartease by TOTEM along with the fact that I was just feeling very angsty and needed to word vomit it. I know this fic idea has been done over time and time again, but I still wanted to give a shot because why not? I haven't written in first person in a while but thought it was a better fit for this.

I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on her.

She had this.. aura, to her that just drew you into her gravity. Everyone knew her as the selfless twin, always putting everyone else above her but if you watched her closely like I have, you could see the toll it took on her. No one else saw it though, just me and it drove me fucking insane. Were these people blind or just stupid? The girl wore her heart on her sleeve. Her eyes told her whole story if you ever had the pleasure of looking into them. 

(I have. They’re breathtaking, just like her.)

I had a feeling after our first encounter that I would be in trouble. Little did I know that the big brown eyes of Josie Saltzman would be the death of me. 

Figuratively, of course….

I never got to hear what she planned to say to me the first time we met. I was a new student, freshly transferred from New York after my mother decided it was best I learned how to control my powers before they got out of hand. Something about how without proper training, witches in our coven were prone to getting out of control. She told me the story of how her sister had been one of them and the heartache that ensued when she inevitably had to put her down. 

As much as I rebelled and seemed to not care on the outside, I felt for her in that moment and understood. Not only for her, but for myself. I mean, what kid doesn’t crave praise from their parents?

_“Welcome to the Salvatore School, we’re your tour guides.”_

_“I’m Josie--”_

_“--I’m Lizzie, sisters,”_

_“Twins-- “_

_“Fraternal, obs.”_

Something told me that while choreographed countless times, Josie was used to Lizzie cutting her off mid sentence. 

++

Josie and I spent a lot of time together after the tour. More than once, I used the excuse of the school being ‘too big’ and ‘getting lost’ just for some extra time together. I learned that her real mother died on her wedding day when pregnant with both her and Lizzie. I learned that while Caroline was the unintentional surrogate, she was their mother just as much as Jo was. The vulnerability in her voice when she talked about how little she saw her mother broke my heart. Not seeing her mother made sense, sure. She was abroad working. 

But her father?

What a piece of shit he is. 

The man is practically always in the same _building_ as his daughters and still opts to spend time with the Mikaelson spawn instead. How are you going to play daddy for another girl who sure, lost her parents as tragic as that is, when you’ve got two of your own already? It made me wonder for so long why my mother thought this school was a good idea. 

It took a month of flirting with Josie for her to finally agree on a date. She always threw around the excuse of being too busy with classes and her family to avoid me. But I wore her down. Part of me thinks that she just felt bad for me but I knew from looking into her eyes that saying yes was her finally allowing herself something that could just be hers. 

_“So, on a scale of one to ten, how did I do? Wish you would’ve said yes sooner, Jojo?”_

_The blush and playful eye roll from Josie affirmed my answer on the spot. And from the way she hadn’t let go of my hand since we left the Grill, I knew that this wouldn’t be the last time._

_“I do. But you understand why I couldn’t, right?” The look on her face shifted to a nervous and scared one, like she was worried that no, I wouldn’t understand. That I’d just move on to the next one and lose interest. Too bad for her._

_“Of course I do Jojo.”_

We went on dates, shared kisses, and held hands. I’d surprise her with flowers and caffeine and food on days that she was busy with new students. She always forgot to eat on those days, claiming that she never had the time. We would alternate on whose dorm they’d sleep in. I had a single and Lizzie hated my guts, so we usually slept at mine. The first time she slept over I could feel the nerves basically oozing out of her pores. 

“ _We don’t have to do anything, Jojo. I’m more than happy to just cuddle you to sleep.”_

_“It’s not that.. I don’t want to, it’s just..”_

_I leaned over to take her face in my hands and poured as much love as I could into a kiss. “I want our first time to be special. Under the stars on a bed of roses, cheesy shit like that. Not in a dinky dorm at the Salvatore School. Who knows how many ghosts are here just waiting to get a free show.”_

The year that we dated was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. It only seemed fair that in exchange for the best year of my life, I spent the next, who knows how long, unhappy. 

Hurting.

Sometimes wishing in a drunken stupor that I was never given the honor to love Josie Saltzman, only to hurriedly take it back because I realized that I didn’t regret that. I could never regret loving her. 

I only regret thinking that my love would be _enough_ for her. That maybe she could love me just as much as I did her. 

Stupidest fucking thing ever if you ask me.

Her affinity for putting Lizzie and everyone else before her own needs drove us apart. Her innate desire to be so selfless that the idea of ever having anything to herself just seemed like the most radical idea. 

The day after I realized that I was so deeply in love with Josie was the day I found out about the merge. Sometimes I wish that curiosity hadn’t gotten the best of me and I could’ve spent however many more years by her side. Blindly in love. But I have a feeling that Lizzie would’ve always driven a wedge between us in the end. 

After I found out about the merge, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I spent days looking for loopholes that didn’t exist because I knew too well that when the time came, Josie wouldn’t fight. She would give her life for Lizzie and there’d be no question about it. And my heart can’t take the idea of losing Josie forever. It physically fucking hurt. That night I made a decision, a really stupid one now that I look back at it. I could’ve done something way better but I was a stupid teenager. Still am.

I really thought that without me by her side, Josie would learn to stick up for herself. I never got to see it, but I’d heard through the grapevine years later that she slowly started to. Or that might’ve just been me convincing myself that leaving was a good decision.

Even when we weren’t together I still found myself looking out for her. I did it so often that it just became a dirty habit I couldn’t stop even if I tried. I’d look around the room for her if she wasn’t present, pass by her room sometimes just to make sure that she got home okay after a party at the mill. Little things.

And on the rare occasion that I caught her staring at me without malice, it made it all worth it. But she hated me so much after I broke up with her. I so badly wanted to tell her the truth, all about the merge and why I did what I did. Yet, I couldn’t. It wasn’t my secret to tell anyways. Her waste of space of a father should’ve had that conversation with them long ago. 

Caroline wasn’t recruiting students. She spent the last decade looking for a cure in Europe that didn’t exist. Not yet, anyway.

Just because we were broken up didn’t mean my feelings were gone though. Seeing the way she interacted with that idiotic wolf made my blood boil. And hearing how easily she gave up the idea of pursuing him because of Lizzie. 

God did that piss me off. 

I thought that with time, the glares and insults from Josie would hurt less. To some degree they did, but at the same time they still chipped away at the will I had left. I never let anyone know this though. I was Penelope Park, head bitch in charge. The silver tongued troublemaker who had a soft spot for the beautiful Saltzman twin that was too content on playing second fiddle to Lizzie. So I kept up the smart remarks and took every opportunity I had to make Lizzie suffer, it was just a shame that Josie was collateral damage at times. 

I stayed strong. I let her yell at me and blame me for things that weren’t even in my control. I secretly campaigned for her to be Witch Representative because I knew that was something she wanted, even if she never said it out loud. I let her blame me for the incident that happened on her birthday with her real mom. I let her use me to get out the aggression she felt because of it because I didn’t mind. I thought she was starting to care for her own self interest. I even thought we could just be friends, at least. 

Wishful thinking, I guess. 

Hell, I got thrown against a damn wall and didn’t so much as utter a breath while she went on with her day.

I stayed strong until I couldn’t anymore. My mother was offered a job in Belgium and they just so happened to have an elite all witch academy. No blood thirsty vamps, no annoying wolves always trying to prove how alpha they are. 

No Josie. 

No more feeling my heartbreak everyday I see her only to force myself to act like I don’t feel anything. A girl can only take so much. 

So I wrote her a letter. A letter that I wished and wished she would’ve read sooner than she actually did. But I didn’t expect her to anyway. Just hoped that if Josie were to ever prove me wrong, it would’ve been in that moment. 

I was most hopeful when I saw the way she looked at me as we walked down the steps at Miss Mystic Falls. The glint in her eyes when she smiled at me, I really thought that for a moment, all I did was worth it. It finally fucking meant something. But then she stopped looking at me and looked at Lizzie. I _begged_ her with my eyes, _pleaded_ but still, she fell. God, I can’t even begin to describe the feeling I had as I watched her get off the floor. I knew it was over then.

Any and all attempts I had were futile. There was no point in me being in Mystic Falls any longer. There was no reason. 

I gave that girl so many opportunities to give me just _one_ fucking reason to stay and she didn’t. All she had to do was just keep walking down the steps. Hell, I would’ve stayed if she just.. _talked_ to me. But she didn’t. 

Instead, she gave me a thousand reasons to leave. 

I was a fool to think that Josie loved me enough to want me to stay. Would she still have told me not to go if she read the letter sooner? Or were her teary words that night just out of obligation? I’ll never know. I’m glad that I could tell her one last time how much I loved her even if she didn’t say it back. I’m grateful she didn’t because I don’t think I would’ve been able to leave if she did. 

It would’ve given me too much hope. It would’ve made the heartache that crippled me in Belgium weeks after I’d arrive that much more unbearable. 

I spent the first two months in Belgium trying to erase the image of Josie looking at me with tears in her eyes. When I went to bed and when I woke, it was the first thing I saw. No matter how many people I took to bed to try and forget, she still came back to haunt me. And it made me resentful. I grew so angry at the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about a girl who couldn’t even read a damn letter I wrote her before it was too late. I told myself time and time again that if I were to somehow run into her, I wouldn’t cave. I’d stay true to myself and not let her under my skin again.

On more than one occasion, I sent her drunk texts that I hurriedly deleted the next morning. She always responded with the same thing, _If you want to talk, you know my number._

I never responded to those. I could only ever contact her when my inhibitions were low. Sometimes she’d even text me randomly. Those days always threw me off. Maybe with enough time, these wounds would heal up and I would move on. They healed but never fully, the stubborn part of me always keeping one foot in the door in case Josie changed her mind. 

Almost two years passed when I was confronted with the chance to visit the Salvatore School again. Somewhere during my stay in Belgium, I tracked down Caroline. She knew who I was immediately. I made it known during our first meeting that I knew about the merge and offered my services. My coven had access to many ancient spell books that dated back as far as the Bennett line did. It was long and tedious, but it was worth it. I skipped classes occasionally in favor of accompanying Caroline on her adventures. When we finally found something that could work, Caroline asked if I would go with her to deliver the news.

“I’m sure Josie would be happy to see you, Penelope.” Caroline tried for the third time to coerce her into coming along. She even had a plane ticket already purchased with her name on it, all she had to do was say yes. 

“I think the only person that’d be glad to see me would be MG,” I scoffed and Caroline didn’t argue. She just watched me with a sadness in her eyes that I knew too well. 

On her fourth attempt, I finally said yes. While Josie wouldn’t be too happy to see me, I did miss MG and even my lackeys. They were a good mind numbing distraction. 

In the middle of our planning to visit Mystic Falls, Caroline got a call from Alaric. Things were bad at the school and Josie had been taken hostage in her own mind. _A darker version of herself,_ he said over the phone, _but we handled it._

Yeah. You heard that right. _Handled it._ As in, it already happened and we’re just filling you in. Like talking about their daughters life was the equivalent of a TV show! We hopped on the first flight out of Belgium to the States after the call. My mind and heart raced the entire flight there. What was I going to say to Josie? Would she be happy to see me or would she brush me off like before? Maybe her perspective on things would be different now. She nearly had her life taken from her and it was enough to make her realize all the good she had in front of her. _That good being me._ Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to see Josie. I held onto that little sliver of made up hope that she would _at least_ be happy to see me.

But alas, that was never the case. It will never _be_ the case. I’ve never been much of a spiritual person but the moment I stepped foot on the campus of the Salvatore School, I knew that it was karma biting me back in the ass. Karma for all the wrong and mean things I’ve done to people. All the insults, the troublemaking and rebel shit I did. 

Because the first thing I saw was Josie. I was happy about that. What I wasn’t happy about was seeing the girl next to her leaning in to kiss her. I thought the sight of that was too much to bear but I was dead fucking wrong. The final nail on the coffin was seeing the smile on Josie’s face when they pulled apart. The smile that used to be reserved for me and me alone. The smile that always let me know how much she loved me. 

Directed to someone else. 

And just like that, the wounds opened up again. Months and months of distractions and countless nights where I tried to forget, undone in twenty seconds. My eyes stung with tears that I didn’t dare let fall. I could _hear_ my heart break all over again. Just like it did that day on the stairs two years ago. I was an idiot to think that I had moved on when the girl I loved had yet to leave my dreams. I should’ve known.

Everything that I had tried to bury came rushing to the surface and it was _suffocating._ I didn’t realize that I stopped breathing until Caroline put a hand on my shoulder. Her eyes were full of worry but I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t be here anymore. 

“This was a mistake,” I whispered so quietly that she wouldn’t have heard if it weren’t for the vampire hearing. 

“I’m sorry, Penelope. I insisted. If you wan--”

“I do. I’m sorry, Caroline. My best wishes to you guys.” 

I hurried off fast because I could feel the tears flowing freely now and I didn’t bother to stop it. I let them fall because they needed to. Heartbreak was a feeling that I would never wish on anyone, not even _Lizzie_. I deluded myself into thinking Josie would be as broken as I was. In a way, it only reaffirmed the idea that she meant more to me than I did to her. That stung worse than a hornet’s sting. I always thought of myself as strong. I was in control of anything and everything. So how is it that something as pitiful as love was enough to bring me to my knees? 

_Please. Just make it stop._

Josie moving on was inevitable, I knew that. But it didn’t lessen the pain any more when I had to witness it with my own eyes. Witness the fact that she finally had the courage to be selfish and go after what she wanted. It just wasn’t me.

I wished it was.

It wasn’t until I was deep in the woods far from the Salvatore School that sobs began racking my body. I begged and begged to anyone and everyone that could hear to just please… _please._

_Just give my poor heart ease._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Again, I know it's not the most original idea for a fic but hey, I still wanted to write it. I also stopped watching Legacies after the midseason break of season 2 just bc I couldn't stand the writing anymore so sorry if things are inaccurate. I heard the song and couldn't help but think POSIE. The pairing is all angst anyways and while fluff is in high demand, I was feeling angsty. I apologize for any errors in grammar or spelling, I was just too excited to get it out. Let me know what you think? If you liked the song? If you hate me because that's fine too. Today is a difficult day to live through when there's so much loss but we'll get through it. We always do. Stay safe and stay sane.


End file.
